Article II, Sec. 3, of the U.S. Constitution requires that, “The President shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.”
Each year, I prepare for the political newbies – and as a reminder to all us veterans a State Of Disunion Warm Up Program – I find that this year it is more needed than ever!
As we know the State of The (Dis)Union is a spectacle, er, address that we have to suffer through each year. Personally I would send an email that read, “Bite Me,” however that is just me. In any event, here we are again, another mid Winter, when obviously neither the President, Congress or you have anything better to do – we must endure the greatest political theater on the planet; second only to a Presidential debate. In order to survive this most anticipated display of recycled manure, I am going to provide you with a step by step guide and warm up.
Remember to check with your doctor before entering this night’s activities. Please.
Newbies. You may have questions. Refrain from asking them. The mere answering of them will only produce side effects such as nausea, loss of consciousness and and or coma. Simply follow the guide below. Please remember to view this with an experienced politico or rather, tune to a repeat of Jersey Shores – in other words save yourselves. However, if you may find you are ready to dip your toes into the waters of advanced bull , rather politics - wear a life vest, I won’t have time to save you I – I myself will be consumed with protecting my own sanity.
For you veterans. You know the drill. If you know of someone who may need your assistance, remember to secure you own oxygen mask first before helping your friend, the rapid hot air escaping from D.C. may overcome you and you may find yourself losing rapid consciousness!!
Eat a good breakfast. This may be the only food you can keep down during the course of the day as the sheer excrement, or some say excitement spewing from the media’s mouth may make it difficult to consume food. If you find your blood sugar falling, eat small meals throughout the day, keep away from all spicy and or heartburn affecting foods, by 9:15PM ET the sight of Sheila Jackson Lee alone will make your heartburn horrid and we have not even heard a word from the King of North American yet!
Hydrate throughout the day. I do a general caffeine IV from about Noon til 5PM, this keeps the sound of own blood pressure in my ears and blocks out the pre raves and cocaine like rants of Obama supporters. If you are the more healthy kind, than fine drink water… but refrain from alcohol until at least 8PM ET.
Begin stretching at about 7PM ET. Why so early?? If you think that watching the State of the Union is a sedentary event, then you are in for some serious pain – Please stretch your legs, arms and back. I prefer the more squat thrust method combined with gentle stretching of arms and lower back.. Stretching can be combined with the removal of all sharp objects from the room in which you are viewing. I find that a nice combination of the two not only saves time, but also helps in getting your heart rate elevated for the more aerobic portion of our evening: the dreaded media “What we think the President will say” hour.
**now is the time to remove the children from the room, it’s for their own good and saves you the embarrassment of explaining why you just called the President a ******** moron!** Bribe them if you have to, trust me.
At this time, I tend to play “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” Jock Jams. It helps me psyche up and warms up my vocal chords. KEY KEY KEY. You may think that you will not be screaming. Rookie mistake. Your vocals will be tested. You may want to start with a very low chorus of ” Your So Vain”.. but again this is entirely up to you.
Sharp objects removed, kids in bed, stretching and vocals exercises being done.. it’s now about 8PM.. the hour of hours.. the EMBARGO HOUR. Stressful.
The Media will begin with.. “We know some of what Obama will say, but as you know we are embargoed from sharing that… ” Drudge usually has the speech up by then, even so, as with election night listen to the tones and the inflections of what the anchors are saying. If the speech is a dud, MSNBC gives it away ever single time – Fox, they try to be polite and CNN.. well who cares… anyway back to you…
I use the Embargo hour to make my paper signs and paper balls. This is not a time to skimp. No. The best paper for this event is printer paper. Strong, holds it shape and will not harm small pets or the tv… I usually go through about 50.. depending on the moron or morons I am viewing. With Pres. Bush, Nancy Pelosi had me firing about 25 alone.. however, with Obama and the Dems and the seating arrangement, we may need fewer.. your judgment will come into play. Some here will go with the nerf ball or rubber band approach.. the important thing is not to harm any electronic item.. please, we have standards!
The Famous Rush Limbaugh Sign. Classic Rush and he gets full credit for this. This was developed during the Clinton years. Rush told us to make a strip of paper that covered the bottom of the television screen that said, “Bill Clinton is a liar..” It helped tremendously … Now as for this King..er president in name only, and with our tv’s being as large as they are now.. why not enlist the kids as an early afterschool project.. You can write what you wish , whatever helps you to focus your attention away from the buffons on the floor of the House ..Personally I am going with .. Muslim non citizen fraud, but that is just me.. Remember YOUR sanity is the key.
8:30PM: This is the time to change into your comfy clothes. You can stay in work out clothes if you wish as a sweat will develop from the two hour cardio will endure. Turn off the phone, get your ADULT Beverage ready, this is also a good time to take the pets out for a break.. the last thing you will need is fluffy having to go .. you have 30 minutes, use them wisely.. this is the last time you will be able to get your pre union materials, and warmups done!!
AS you are doing this, around 8:45 ish.. you will start to see the Congress jockeying for position. This is when the move made famous by Sheila Jackson Lee.. or the “Lee” as I call it.. begins. ROOKIES this is key.. watch those buffons rush for the center of the aisle.. all trying to get their mugs in the faces of the Cabinet and the Supreme Court Justices (if they show and frankly I wouldn’t.. but that is another story) “Lee” will launch herself with no regard for being a lady in the front of anything or anyone to get her Red Suited self in the line of the cameras. An Advanced move.. as most Congressmen and women have yet to be able to block her.
At this point you best be seated, your warmed up.. drink at the ready.. ( I do suggest a monitor of blood pressure at this time be started, watch your pulse rates, I have known veterans to begin getting heated at this point) -… then it begins…
The Sergeant at Arms then announces the Cabinet… we are almost there.. get your low voices ready.. personally when I see Big Sis and Holder I tend to get to the Loud hisses, but this is strictly for political vets…. I would go slow here..you don’t want to blow your voices just yet…
WE will see John Boehner and Joe Biden directly behind the President.. Boehner will rise then the Sergeant at Arms of the House walks in and says, the words that gets your blood up like none other. “MR SPEAKER THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES” .. NOW ROOKIES, this is the time to repeat your mantra.. “OBAMA IS A _____”
Now.. unlike years past.. we have to call an audible here. The new “Love” Boat Congress (who I swear is about ready to use the Snap Cut from Elle Woods) has decided to combine their affections and sit together. This may confuse some rookies. THIS IS AN ILLUSION. DISREGARD, DISREGARD. We have reviewed enough Cspan game films.. remember if you must search out your favorite Congress person.. do not let Sheila Jackson Lee or that Maxine Waters (Maxi Pad) block your vision.. FOCUS PEOPLE.. FOCUS! This may be a good time for the mute.. the sheer volume of hypocrisy at this point has known to throw Moscow to DefCon five.
I find here, that throwing a few paper balls is necessary.. warm up.. it’s a good thing. Also if your dog is good at retrieving this may be a great time for some extra training as well!! I digress…….. Once the fool makes his way to the podium, Speaker Boehner will then say.. “It is my high honor… to introduce the president of the united states.. blah blah Hussein” Then they will uproar again.. The Cabinet glows with pride , Michelle beams..a mere sense of nausea may flood you.. it will pass, remember the mantra..
He begins.. “Mr. Speaker, Mr VP.. distinguished lemmings.. my fellow Kenyans..er, Americans.. I will now lie to you for the next hour.. ”
Then the lie they all say… “The state of our Union is strong.. ” They rise again. I yell my first of many YOU LIES begins..
The consensus has the drinking word as………….. “JOBS” — I wish you luck. This could be a rough night.
The standing and sitting thing. Of all questions, I get asked it is this.. “Why do they do that?” Because they can. This is their moment to gloat, to cheer, to jeer, to laugh at , to tweet to sleep, to get caught, to grimace, to jest, to make utter and complete asses.. it’s your congress. With them sitting together, the American people will not know who the Dems are and who the GOP are, but you will. They will jump up when he mentions the military, they will jump up when he mentions we ‘must save social security’.. the usual.. the differences come with taxes and health care and the like.. you will also find this is the height of your cardio…
You will find that your stretching of both vocal and body will be for good now.. with great leaps you may find yourselves vaulting over coffee tables, screaming ( I have known one neighbor to send the cops.. NOT ME as they thought a fight was brewing.. LOL) — paper balls flying and of course the annual breakage of televisions is not unheard of.. REMEMBER PEOPLE MANTRA MANTRA!!! Yet, as you.. I am in full bore cardio mode.. you will find that you had a vocal range you never knew existed and a flexiblity that only a yoga instructor could best you at!!
It is not uncommon for dizziness and a sense of fainting to be had. Refrain from over stress at this point, as I am sure he is only half way through. He will be in full bore Che tilt, finger point.. I find that a good primal yell helps..although prepare not only your spouse or significant other, but also your neighbors and these can be gut wrenching..
AS the speech wears on.. your minds will begin to wander to ‘who is this man?’ – ‘why is NCIS not on?’ – ‘why is Hillary sleeping and Eric Cantor tweeting?’… and the worst.. ‘why am I watching this crap?’ I find the mind wander to be the minds way of coping , to staying sane during times of stress. Also let disassociation occur. A brief moment of escaping reality of the fact that this man is the President can not only save your emotional state but also the state of your household peace. Then suddenly.. you may hear something radical.. THE PLAN
Obama it is said will bring forth the biggest progressive agenda since FDR… rookies, call a friend immediately. I can be found here or at Twitter (GenRachel) and will be available for political counseling during and after the speech. My rates are sliding… This is not going to be good.. When a President does this sort of thing, the room usually becomes at first silent..then the divisions begin and for me I am in full blown cardio workout.. Decible level is about 10 , Mr. G is often holding me back from hurting the furniture or leaping over the tv through the wall.. dogs howl.. cussing like sailors on leave … it’s messy. We go into kick box cardio now..
You may need a partner to bring you a refill — as JOBS is the drinking song.. trust me, you will need a very big drink.. Your head will be spinning with the new PROGRAMS of spending, and lectures of what we must do..and it will be now that you will have made your mind up which way you want this country to go.
Health Care, Immigration, Military, Social Security, War, Terror, NEW PROGRAMS will be the words that will bring out of you what maybe needs to be brought out of you.. the truth of what you believe and where we are to go.. Candidate from the GOP and Independent ones are watching, this will be there go time..once this speech is done.. and he knows it…and so do they.. You may scare yourself because once you hear what he says you may agree with him… but I find that 99.9% of my readers are more entrenched to finding someone who can crush him.. not play with him.. but to crush him. This is that night.
So the jumping up and down is about settled at this point, he is probably getting wonky and boring.. you may begin your cooling down stretches.. some severe activity did and will take place during this… and seriously your head is now filled with more questions than answers…not about him, but about who can we put up against such an agenda? We will get there………..for now…………it is time to count back from 50..lower the volume, slowly walk the legs, redo those stretches …….as he winds up.. you may see you have a living room of nerf balls paper balls and beer bongs… safely……………..wait 30 minutes before eating.. then feel free eat, slowly….
Your pulse rate should be returning to normal..rest rate normal.. may feel a bit happy due to the happy juice, but hey who is going reveal that. NOT ME….
HE LEAVES TO MORE CHEERS BUT THEN THE MEDIA BEGIN TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU ALREADY HEARD.. AS YOU WERE NOT LISTENING YOU STUPID WHITE tea loving american.. ah but you see we did and it is you that will find out these plans you have ……………………EPIC FAIL. DEAD ON ARRIVAL. NOW LEAVE OUR HOUSE!
How you choose to watch the rebuttals is up to you, I usually ignore them. Go to the Ladies room and get treat..as my night of analysizng begins now!
This is actually a very mild reactions to a sotu address by me, next year I think I should be one of people with a tshir of my own………………………. with my Presidental Pick………………. just saying…………….
The GOP sideshow begins, no one watches it, I will but i also usually laugh through them and have nice small snack ..then again, mr Ryan, you get me boiling with ‘we can work with obama on… ” you better be ready for the paper ballsl at the tv screen………………………………..
Our nation is screwed and this exercise we go through is not necessary,it’s political and that in the end is what makes us all a bit sick.. because we know it’s all lies.
I WILL BE HERE. WILL BE ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER ONLY I WILL BE LIVE TWEETING THE EVENT FIND ME UNDER /GENRACHEL
I WISH YOU ALL WELL ON YOUR FIRST ADVENTURE INTO THE STATE OF THE DISUNION………….JUST REMEMBER IT WONT BE THAT WAY IF WE DON”T ALLOW IT TO BE.!
Shower up.. put on our fluflflies…………and take a nice adult drink………and maybe a walk with that dog and with God ..ask him… “WTH WAS THAT??”" Trust me – He just may give you the first truth of the night.
See you soon, off for some rest, the back around noon… Here we go…….. BREAKFAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!